


Fading out again

by Emjen_Enla



Category: Nikolai Series - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Book 1: King of Scars, Emjen writes her obligitory Nikolai hurt/comfort fic, F/M, Gen, Headaches & Migraines, Semi-Canon Compliant, Sickfic, Side Effects, Untested Medication, Why you should never hang your plan on untested sedatives kids, sedatives
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-09
Updated: 2019-07-09
Packaged: 2020-06-25 02:13:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19736278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emjen_Enla/pseuds/Emjen_Enla
Summary: "Genya ran her fingers over the carved surface of the trunk. 'The process won't be easy on him. It will be a bit like drowning every night and being revived every morning.'" Or the one where Genya and David's sedative turns out to have some nasty side effects.





	Fading out again

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own KoS. Title is from "Bloodstream" by Ed Sheeran.
> 
> This fic is only somewhat canon compliant. I came up with it while reading the first half of the book, and it doesn't really work with the second half. I decided to just write it anyway.

Consciousness returned suddenly on a sharp unpleasant scent. It was like suddenly and harshly being forced into existence when previously you had been nothing.

And existence hurt.

Nikolai shifted on the unfamiliar bed and tried not to moan. Ice cold knives of pain stabbed into his head with every beat of his heart. Despite knowing it would only make things worse he tried to open his eyes and was immediately blinded by light coming in through the open curtains. He squeezed his eyes shut again.

“Good morning, your highness,” Zoya said, voice gruff.

“Morning,” The word came out a little blurry around the edges. Nikolai managed to roll onto his side, away from the window and it’s horrible light and pried his eyes open. The room swung and spun around him as if in protest.

When his vision cleared, he saw that Zoya was puttering around, putting away the bottle she’d used to wake him from his drugged sleep--if whatever it was that he’d been spending his nights in recently could even be called sleep. She looked tired. Her hair was slightly tangled and her  _ kefta  _ was a little wrinkled. This insane trip was taking its toll on all of them, with the possible exception of Yuri who seemed buoyed up by religious fervor.

Even turned away from the windows, the light was terrible. Nikolai wanted to ask Zoya to close the curtains, but he couldn’t find the words. It was like his voice had been swallowed up by the terrible pain in his head.

Nikolai was not a stupid man. He knew exactly what was going on. A couple days ago, when he’d developed a headache he simply couldn’t shake, he had started to suspect that Genya and David’s concoction probably wasn’t safe to be used for weeks on end, but there was simply nothing to be done. The monster needed to remain in check, and to do that Nikolai needed to be kept thoroughly unconscious. He needed the sedative, even if it gave him a constant headache which sometimes reached levels powerful enough to bring tears to his eyes. He needed the sedative, even if whatever it gave him wasn’t really sleep meaning that his body wasn’t recovering and he was just becoming more and more exhausted as the days passed by.

“Another day of hard riding today,” Zoya was saying. “Especially if we want to stay on schedule.”

More riding. Great. It wasn’t like Nikolai had expected anything else, but the thought was horrible. Yesterday they had ridden hard, and Nikolai had spent most of the ride clinging to his saddle in fear of falling off. Then they’d arrived in this city--he couldn’t remember it’s name--and there had been the usual parades and speeches which Nikolai had suffered through with a smile plastered on his face. Then Lord Smirnov had given them a tour of his manor and Nikolai had caught himself seriously wondering if anyone would mind if he laid down on the polished hardwood floor of one of Smirnov’s many art galleries. After all, he was the king of Ravka, certainly they would understand that he was tired and dizzy and that his head hurt and that he just needed a quick nap and then he’d be alright. After that near disaster there’d been a meal he was too nauseous to enjoy and after dinner conversation with drinks he didn’t want. Then finally, finally, he’d been allowed to retire and rest quietly for a few minutes before Zoya came with the sedative and the personless blackness that followed.

Now it was morning and it was time to do it all again.

“Isn’t that right, your Highness?”

“What?” Nikolai had totally missed whatever Zoya was saying. “Yes.”

She looked at him for a moment, he tried to look more alert and less pain-addled than he actually was. They did need to get moving. “I’m going to go make sure nothing happened to our monk friend overnight,” she said, sounding like she very much hoped something horrible had happened to Yuri overnight. “Someone will be here in a moment with your breakfast.”

Nikolai didn’t want breakfast; he wanted to sleep. Real sleep, not the bottomless unconsciousness the sedative gave him. He just wanted one day to rest and recover. Was that too much to ask?

“Nikolai?” Zoya was starting to sound worried.

“Good,” he forced out, trying for a smile. “Check on Yuri.”

“Alright,” she said. “See you later.” She headed across the room.

“Wait!” Nikolai called after her, voice weak . “Close-” But she didn’t hear and the door swung shut behind her. The curtains were still open.

Nikolai shut his eyes with a wince and pressed his face as far into the pillows as he could. He shifted onto his stomach to better be able to bury his head. If only the sun would simply fall from the sky and burn out, then maybe he could get up and go about his day. His head throbbed with every beat of his heart. Everything was pain. He wanted to make it stop, but he wasn’t sure how.

He was vaguely aware of the door opening and a servant coming in with a breakfast tray. “Your Highness?” an unfamiliar voice asked. “Where should I put the tray?”

“Anywhere,” Nikolai muttered, unsure if the words were actually coming out understandable. “Thank you.”

He did not remember the servant leaving.

~~~~

“You Highness? Your Highness! Nikolai!”

Nikolai swam slowly, reluctantly back to consciousness. Why was someone bothering him? Couldn’t they tell he was tired? Why couldn’t they just let him sleep? He was tired and he felt sick; he was sure all he really needed was to rest.

“Nikolai!”

The someone who was rudely trying to wake him was shaking him now. That did not help his head. Nikolai turned his head just a little and peeled his eyes open. The room was still as horribly bright as it had been when he’d fallen asleep. Tolya was leaning over him, eyes wide.

“Nikolai,” Tolya said, he sounded almost giddy with relief. “There you are.”

Nikolai squinted against the brightness searing his eyes. Why wouldn’t it stop? “Cl-” he tried to form the words, but they wouldn’t come. “Curtains,” he tried again.

“What about them?” Tolya asked.

“Close,” Nikolai forced the word out. “Hurts.”

“The light’s hurting his eyes,” Tamar--who Nikolai hadn’t even realized was there--said. He heard her bound across the room and then the curtains were closing and the light was gone. A little of the pain in his head eased, but not much.

“Is that better?” Tamar asked coming to stand over her brother’s shoulder.

Nikolai nodded and his eyes sunk closed. Now if they’d just let him go back to sleep...

“No. Stay awake,” Tamar said, tapping his foot. “The last thing we need right now is for you to go all monster on us.”

Nikolai moaned but managed to drag his eyes open again.

Tolya pressed a hand to Nikolai’s forehead and his expression became even more grave. “Get Zoya, Tamar,” he said.

“What’s wrong?” Tamar asked.

“He’s running a fever,” Tolya said. “He’s not burning up, but his temperature’s not normal either. Something’s obviously wrong.”

“I’ll be back,” Tamar said and left the room at a brisk speed walk, anything more would give the people not in their party the idea that something was wrong which would not be good.

“Alright, Nikolai,” Tolya said once the door had closed behind his sister. “You want to help me figure out what’s wrong? What feels the worst? Head? Stomach? Chest? Something else?”

“Head,” Nikolai got out.

“Okay,” Tolya said and took a deep breath. He was obviously marshalling all his medical knowledge; there was a lot of overlap between the  _ Corporalki  _ orders, but that didn’t change the fact that Tolya was a Heartrender not a Healer. “Does it hurt or something else?”

“Hurts.”

“How bad?” Tolya said. “On a scale of one to ten?”

“Nine,” Nikolai said. “Ten...before.”

“When the curtains were open?”

Nikolai nodded, fighting to keep his eyes open.

“Alright,” Tolya let air hiss out between his teeth. He pressed one hand to Nikolai’s head and another to his back just above his heart. Vaguely, Nikolai was aware that Tolya was using his powers, presumably for diagnostic purposes. It was a bit ironic. He’d never thought his health would someday rely on Tolya Yul-Bataar’s abilities as a Healer.

The door swung open and banged against the wall causing Nikolai to flinch. “How is he?” Zoya was there, followed closely by Tamar who closed the door more quietly. “Has he been poisoned?”

“What was he like when you came in here to wake him up?” Tolya asked, ignoring the question. His hands didn’t move from Nikolai’s head and back.

“He was groggy,” Zoya sounded guilty. “I thought it was just the after-affects of the sedative. He didn’t say anything was wrong. I didn’t realize-”

“I don’t think he could have said anything,” Tolya said. “He’s got a massive headache; he can barely speak.”

“Is he poisoned?” Zoya demanded. “I can go to Smirnov and force him to give us the antidote. I can-”

“No,” Nikolai forced out.

“What, Nikolai?” Tolya asked, bending over to look Nikolai in the face.

“Not,” Nikolai cursed his inability to speak. “Poisoned.”

“Then what’s wrong?” Zoya said. “You were fine yesterday so something obviously changed. Tell us what’s wrong.” Her voice was tense and high. She was really worried.

“It’s from...” Words escaped him. He couldn’t figure out how to explain. The best he could do was simply gesture vaguely at Zoya. “That…”

“What?” Zoya asked, incredulous.

“Zoya?” Tolya sounded almost as mystified. “Nikolai, that doesn’t make any sense.”

“Wait, maybe it does,” Tamar said. “You have the sedative don’t you, Zoya? Genya and David whipped it up when we decided on this scheme, but they didn’t actually test it beyond what was necessary to make sure it worked, did they? We don’t know what kind of effects its long term use has.”

Tolya started to swear then cut himself off. Zoya didn’t bother with the self-censoring and swore loudly and foully.

“Is this actually a sudden thing, Nikolai?” Tamar asked, stepping around Zoya and kneeling down next to the bed. “How long have you been feeling sick?”

Nikolai held up a hand with all five fingers extended. That was not quite accurate, but he didn’t want to free his other hand from under his body and it had been about five days since the headache had stopped going away.

Zoya swore again. “You could have said something, Nikolai.”

He sighed, let his hand fall back onto the bed and closed his eyes. This time no seemed to notice because they were too busy holding a whispered conference.

“What do we do?” Tolya demanded.

“Can you fix him?” Zoya asked.

“Not really,” Tamar snapped. “In case you hadn’t noticed, neither of us are Healers and we don’t know the first thing about whatever’s in that concoction.”

“We can ease his headache and fever some,” Tolya said more calmly. “It won’t fix everything, but he might be able to actually talk to us.”

_ Please _ , Nikolai thought, but couldn’t get the word out.

“What he probably really needs is to sleep and give that sedative time to get out of his system,” Tamar said. “Neither of which we can actually let him do,”  _ because of the monster _ went unsaid.

“Yeah,” Zoya agreed. “And I doubt we could even stay for another couple hours without admitting that he’s ill, which we do not want to do.”

“He could ride in the carriage with me,” Tolya said. “We could stick the monk on a horse; might be good for him.”

“We’d have to get Nikolai on his feet,” Tamar said. “In a perfect world we’d just have Tolya carry him out to the carriage, but we can’t do that without admitting something’s wrong.”

Nikolai faded out, their voices turning into dull murmurings as he slid nearer and nearer to sleep. He was just reaching the stage where his headache was beginning to fade when someone grabbed his shoulder and shook him. “Nikolai!”

He dragged his eyes back open and found himself staring into Zoya’s face. “You need to stay awake,” she said. “I’m sorry, but I’m pretty sure you turning into a bloodthirsty monster won’t help any of this.”

Nikolai imagined tearing the inhabitants of this town to shreds and winced. One of the few advantages to this whole affair with the monster was that he only transformed when asleep, which meant most people were safely in their homes when it happened. He could only imagine how much worse everything would be if he fell asleep and transformed during the day.

Tolya and Tamar were talking quietly with their heads close together. They came over and settled onto the bed on either side of Nikolai then had a quick whisper discussion about where to put their hands. It was a bit unnerving to see them so uncertain. Tolya and Tamar were the only Grisha other than Zoya who Nikolai had never known to question their abilities. Of course, these weren’t their abilities; they were both Heartrenders.

Still even though they were working outside their abilities, that was different than saying that the twins didn’t have any idea what to do. As they worked, Nikolai felt his headache ease. By the time they sat back he could think straight again.

“Is that better?” Tolya asked.

Nikolai was pleased to find that he was actually capable of forming words now. “Yes,” he said. “Thank you.”

“How bad is the pain now?” Tolya asked. “On a scale of one to ten?”

“Um, five? Better than yesterday,” Nikolai managed to roll onto his back, but the way his head spun kept him from attempting to sit up.

“Well, that’s better than nothing,” Tamar sighed.

“I don’t know how long this will last,” Tolya said. He was talking to Zoya, which Nikolai found a little frustrating but mostly didn’t have the energy to be annoyed about. He was feeling better but not  _ that  _ much better. “All we really did was some basic pain relief,” Tolya said. “Genya might have been able to do more if she was here.”

“That’s okay,” Nikolai said, mostly just to prove he was still there. “I feel fifty percent better. That’s progress.”

They all looked at him with worried frowns. Not the kind that suggested that he had said something worrying, but the kind that said they all knew what had to happen next and were not looking forward to it.

“Do you think you can stand?” Zoya finally asked with the air of someone who’d decided to just get it over with. “You’ll need to be able to walk and act normal until we can get you into the carriage.”

Nikolai did not want to stand and he definitely did not want to walk and act normal. What he wanted was to be left alone to sleep, but he knew that wouldn’t--couldn’t--happen. The best thing to do would be to leave before anyone realized something was wrong. He still wouldn’t be able to sleep, but resting in a carriage would be infinitely better than riding.

“I’ll be able to walk,” he said. “Just give me a few more minutes to gather myself.”

“Alright,” Zoya nodded sharply, then she turned on her heel. “I’m going to make sure everything is ready to go and try to keep us from having to do any actual damage control.” She left with a speed that sort of made it look like she was fleeing the scene.

“You think you can eat some breakfast?” Tolya asked.

“I’m not hungry,” Nikolai said.

“Just some toast,” Tamar climbed off the bed and went over to the covered tray. “Do you want jam?”

Nikolai could tell he wasn’t going to win this argument. “Sure,” Slowly, he pushed himself up on his elbows. His head pounded and spun and he almost collapsed. Tolya steadied him with a hand on his elbow and piled the pillows up behind them so he could lean against them.

Nikolai leaned back against the pillows and breathed until Tamar came over with a piece of toast spread with jam. He nibbled on the corner of it for a minute, testing how agreeable his stomach was going to be, before he realized that Tolya and Tamar were still watching him with open worry.

“What?” he asked, mostly to keep up appearances than because of any lack of understanding.

“Nothing,” Tamar said. “Eat your toast. I’m going to go help Zoya.” And she left.

~~~~

Approximately forty-five minutes later the king of Ravka and his retenue left in a blur of people craning to get a good look at the king. Everything seemed to be normal. The king was well-dressed and smiling and had an animated conversation with a young child who escaped from her parents’ grasps. No one noticed that the king was paler than usual or that one of the Heartrenders who travelled with him--the man--remained right by his side as if to catch him if he fell. No one even questioned when the king climbed into the carriage as opposed to riding as he had the day before. Even the monk who had been ousted from the carriage with no good explanation did not suspect anything was going on.

Nikolai held himself in stiff control until they were far enough from the city that the sound of the crowd faded, then he sighed and let himself sink back into the corner of the carriage until the wall was the only thing holding him upright. It had been less than an hour since Tolya and Tamar had eased his headache and it was already getting worse again. He had a feeling that he’d be back to where he’d started by nightfall.

Horse hooves sounded on the road and Zoya pulled her horse up to ride alongside the carriage and leaned over to peer inside. “How are you doing?” she asked.

“I’m alright,” Nikolai said. He turned sideways and drew his legs up onto the seat in an attempt to get more comfortable. Tolya produced a pillow from the small stack of blankets and other such things that Tamar must have smuggled into the carriage before they left. Nikolai took it gratefully and wedged it between his head and the wall of the carriage. That was a little better.

“We’re two days from the Fold,” Zoya said, “and we have no idea how long it will take us to solve this once we get there. We need to discuss options.”

“We have options?” Nikolai asked. “I can’t sleep without risking turning into a monster. Therefore I need to keep taking the sedative.”

Zoya looked to Tolya. “He’s not exactly wrong,” Tolya said, “However, every second of my very limited training in Healing says that he should not keep taking that sedative knowing that it has these kinds of side effects.”

“What other choice do we have?” Nikolai asked. “I can’t stay awake from now until we solve this.” In fact, he was starting to doubt that he’d be able to stay awake for another hour without Tolya around to keep him from dozing off.

“We’ve got the chains,” Tolya said.

“We’ve only used those on him towards the end of a transformation when he’s no longer hungry,” Zoya said. “He might be able to break them if he tries hard enough. Plus the monster was able to unlock the old chains and those were way more complicated than these.”

“I am very conflicted about giving him any more of that sedative,” Tolya said.

“I am too,” Zoya said. “The three of us and Tamar will debate our options when we stop tonight.” 

“Sounds good,” Nikolai said.

Zoya rode away, and Tolya fished a blanket off the floor. “Here,” he said handing it over. “Do you want me to talk to you to help you stay awake?”

“That would be nice,” Nikolai draped the blanket over himself and shifted, trying to decide if he should be trying to get more comfortable or trying to fit himself into an uncomfortable position to make it easier to stay awake. “What are you reading these days?”


End file.
